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Lots

  • Nov. 7th, 2008 at 9:10 AM

Theirs been a lot going on. I've neglected LJ badly. I miss it. Myspace has become a cesspool of unwelcome drama.

Lost

  • Nov. 17th, 2007 at 12:18 AM

OMG. I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and can't even recognize myself. I have never been this far away. What is one supposed to do when they don't know who they are anymore. I have no motivation for anything. I can't even cry anymore really. I need to find myself again but I don't know where to start. I just sat down and evaluated my life. Everything. Health, family, friends and I feel sick. I am disgusted with myself. How could I have let things get so bad. Neglected myself so long that I am almost at the ability I cannot cry anymore. All that seems to be left these days is the anger and this numb empty feeling. I'm kind of scared. I didn't know how bad things were until today. I kinda got a wake up call. I wont go into detail but someone important to me is in the hospital. Her being there has opened my eyes to how valuable and fleeting life really is. I shut myself away from others because I am ashamed of the person I am becoming. I need to do something before it gets worse. I think I need to start writing more.

New journal

  • Jun. 23rd, 2007 at 5:45 PM

I have moved this journal due to annoying technical complications. You have been added at morriganscross

Family mysteries

  • Jun. 14th, 2007 at 8:48 PM

So upon much thought I have decided on two basic ideas for writing projects. One will be a Nora Roberts family saga half made up and the other half based off true things that have happened in my family. My friends stories will be composed of in a fantasy type setting with fantasy characters. I have had the fantasy idea mulling around in my head for eons now but have been too lazy to get it going. Anyways what spawned the family history idea is what I learned today from my dad who never talks to me but decided to share his military story with my mom and I over a chicken dinner. Corey living with us has been a good influence on my dad's behavior. He's still an ass but less of one and my dad actually landed a job interview! Doubt he'll actually go to it but hey it's a step up for the old grouch.

Heres a synopsis of the drama in my family:

Granma and Grandpa: Both major whores I mean I could make a book on itself on their imagined love lives.

Dad: Dropped out of high school to enter the military. Joins with best friend Gary. Gary decides on the first day of boot camp he wants to go AWALL. My dad talks him into sticking it out and Gary makes up a nosebleed illness and gets held back for medical testing. My dad meets two other guys about haldway in and they all decide to go AWALL. They do and the one guy turns himself in during their walk to Chicago from the Great Lakes military base. My dad and the other guy got to the bus station and there were military police everywhere. The other guy got caught but my dad got away. He found an abadoned car and hid there for a few days and then sold his antique watch for money and caught a bus halfway home. He got rides from truckers and upon arriving home his mom turns him in. He got put in the hospital and deemed Schitzo-affective so he got a medical discharge. My mom and her best friend were his nurses and he liked my mom's friend. When he got out of the hospital he hung out with my mom and her friend alot until my mom's friend got killed in a car accident and then he ended up with my mom.

My aunts. My Aunt Linda ended up marrying happily only to lose her husband to in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. My Aunt patty has been married at the least I can remember like 8 times. She is a con artist and once tried to kill her husband.

This makes for some juicy stories here. My dad's side of the family never gave me much love, never any money, but they sure as hell gave me some stories. I might as well use them as a basis for a bigger story. Anybody got any ideas?

Crazy Times

  • Mar. 4th, 2007 at 12:26 AM

Been extremely busy lately and learning what "real" responsibility is for the first time in my life and the serious consequences that can come from not taking care of your health and yourself. It's an important factor. If you don't take care of yourself everything is proven to fall apart. Job, family, finances. Even your car gets this funky odor to it. Thanks to some wonderful people however and the unborn Austin who I owe my life too I am realizing the things I need to do.

Work and school are kicking my butt but I'm learning a lot and hopefully growing up more and more. Still don't know what exactly is going on with mom and the breast cancer but I am going to stay optimistic and I know things will work out in the end as long as I don't give up. I send out much love to all you guys especially Kayla, Mindy, Kev, Jess and Corey who have upheld me through the worst and need some lovin back.

I'm gonna buy a new car any ideas what models are good? Well newer car anyways.

New Beginnings

  • Feb. 5th, 2007 at 2:25 AM

I am not sure what I feel anymore concerning life and how it is supposed to go. I have been hiding partly because I work a lot not, I've been sick with this psycho version of the flu but mostly to think and reflect so as to prevent breakdown. I feel older and wiser. You would think this would be a good feeling. In ways yes but in others no. I have had to let a few people go from my life. It hurts but I know it is for the best. One of them is my friend Kim. I love her and always will but she does nothing but cause drama and I can't have that anymore or be treated the way she treats me. I really don't need to let go of any one else but more the fact I need to let go of certain ideas. Here are the thoughts and bad habits I am trying to rid myself of.

1. Thinking everything is my fault
2. Negative self image inward and outward
3. Bad work habits
4. Hypocricy
5. Trying to make everyone happy
6. Stressing over stupid stuff.

I have come to the conclusion that this last one will indeed kill me off at an early age if I don't come to grips with it now. I have some awesome things going for me and I need to forget about the past and embrace the new and wonderful things God has blessed me with.

Theres Corey. A guy who I know actually loves me and not just loves me but shares everything with me. He doesn't hide things and lie like a lot of my ex's. I just got out of a really weird relationship with a guy named Chris that doesn't even have the common courtesy or respect to give me back some of my belongings. It's sad really and it's his problem. I just don't understand why the lies. Why does anyone lie really? Why have I lied to so many people myself. Some big lies some petty small ones but still lies all the same.

Theres people I am getting back into contact with. Mandy which is awesome and I am going to call Josh this week. My cousins and family I haven't seen in ages. My cousin Ashley is going to have a baby.

There are celebrations to be had. Courtney, Mandy, and Ashley having their babies and my new job at Sunshine's. I really like working there even though it kicks my butt everyday.

Then theres the whole God thing. It's there and emerging. Into what I have no idea but it will be what it comes out as. I have a lot of things on my mind and I just don't know what to do with all the thoughts and feelings. I just cross my fingers and pray that everything turns out ok for me and my loved ones. Its all any of us can do on a day to day basis.

Merry Christmas

  • Dec. 24th, 2006 at 5:35 AM

I hope everyone has a wonderful and Merry Christmas!

Vomit and red hair

  • Dec. 19th, 2006 at 2:00 AM

So a week till Christmas and am sick. My test went well. I am an EMT. Well almost. Got registry next month. Trying to get into the spirit. Blah whatever. I will be in touch soon as my body is not like a slurpee machine.

Holiday Hurt

  • Dec. 4th, 2006 at 1:23 AM

A little peace on Earth is all that would make this Holiday ok. But sometimes that seems like it will never happen. Amidst all the fighting and bickering I want to hop a plane to the next destination of my choice and never look back sometimes. But I would miss everyone horribly even if they wouldn't miss me.

My dad is putting up Christmas lights and I'm thinking "Ok why now? Why get all Christmassy now after 25 years of my life being a souche bag. I won't lie though. It's nice.

Corey has introduced me to some pretty cool people. Big John will make you laugh your ass off!

I am feelin bad for all the pretty little lies out group has told that Jess speaks of. In a way I have been hypocritical. I mean we all can be but I was bitching about certain other people and their pretty little lies when I told one myself the other day. I did it because I didn't want Scott to be hurt. Sometimes I feel like there is never enough time in one day. I try to do too much and it blows up in my face like the above mentioned.

I don't lie about big stuff and I have been more honest with people lately than ever but sometimes I backslide and make something up or leave something out so as not to hurt ones feelings. For what it's worth I'm sorry Jess and expecially to Scott. We really did find ourselves at Delaney's before we realized we'd forgetten to go get you. Guess Corey and I are both airhead driver's huh? I'll buy you another pack of cigs.

This week I've been trying my best to get away and not deal with things. Not worry about work and certain "people". I've been quite inebriated on a few occasions and it helps but I don't want to repeat this next week that way. We all finally found a place to karaoke at. It's Mr Beefy's in Pburg and it's actually quite fun. So if anyone wants to come let me know. It's Saturday nights.

Well with all of this Holiday hurt I can at least say I think I've become a lot stronger. Kelly Clarkson's most recent album pretty much sums up a lot about how I feel these days.

The World irks me!

  • Nov. 6th, 2006 at 9:02 AM

I can't sleep partly because my ear hurts like a mother ****** and I can't stop thinking about some things that have been bothering me lately. Nobody who is my friend is being spoken of in this post except my friends Kim and Ken. Everyone else I speak ill of are people who have hurt people I loved and I want to bitch slap them in their faces.

First off I'm tired of being ill. It's always bronchitis or an ear infection. I'm still so tired out from the mono that I had back in freakin May. So now I have to do THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. Cut crap out of my diet. It's not going to be easy going down to one Mountain Dew a day(I can't cut out the MD completely). I have come to drastic measures after I blacked out and fell down the steps today. NS can be almost diminished by cutting certain things out of your diet and I haven't done that so can't hurt to try. But I swear if I kill someone for a chocolate bar don't hold it against me.

I'm tired of hoes. And by hoes I don't mean girls who need and get their jollies off I mean backstabbing hoes. Hoes that will sleep with a guy and lead him on and then shit on him as his "so called friend". This Hoe is nobody on my friend's list but this hoe bashed someone I love very much and I want to grab her by her fake ass curls and smack some sense into her.

I also am kinda feelin bad for another friend right now. We dated in the past and it didn't work out and I haven't been the most attentive friend saying I will call and then not. True I have been busy and sick but still it takes 5 minutes to make a phone call and to this friend I am sorry you know who you are. And I am sorry for what you are going through right now. Hey at least your not a white trash hoe momma!

The theres those fucking doctors. I heard some stories the other night from my friend Jackie that make me wanna run these doctors over with my POS car. Yeah I'm a violent girl. Deal with it.

Then theres the whole Kim/ Ken dillema. I understand my friend "offended" Kim but now is not the time to take out grudges and be non communicative. Jess needs people to be there for her with the holidays coming up. I am not going to insert myself in this one because I have enough to worry about with clinicals and registry and Black Friday coming up but my faith in the world right now is waning. Every day I see more and more disturbing things and I say to myself "Why?" and I don't understand. I just don't flippin get it. Maybe I don't want to get it because if I "got it" I'd be like them.