Theirs been a lot going on. I've neglected LJ badly. I miss it. Myspace has become a cesspool of unwelcome drama.

OMG. I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and can't even recognize myself. I have never been this far away. What is one supposed to do when they don't know who they are anymore. I have no motivation for anything. I can't even cry anymore really. I need to find myself again but I don't know where to start. I just sat down and evaluated my life. Everything. Health, family, friends and I feel sick. I am disgusted with myself. How could I have let things get so bad. Neglected myself so long that I am almost at the ability I cannot cry anymore. All that seems to be left these days is the anger and this numb empty feeling. I'm kind of scared. I didn't know how bad things were until today. I kinda got a wake up call. I wont go into detail but someone important to me is in the hospital. Her being there has opened my eyes to how valuable and fleeting life really is. I shut myself away from others because I am ashamed of the person I am becoming. I need to do something before it gets worse. I think I need to start writing more.

I have moved this journal due to annoying technical complications. You have been added at morriganscross

So upon much thought I have decided on two basic ideas for writing projects. One will be a Nora Roberts family saga half made up and the other half based off true things that have happened in my family. My friends stories will be composed of in a fantasy type setting with fantasy characters. I have had the fantasy idea mulling around in my head for eons now but have been too lazy to get it going. Anyways what spawned the family history idea is what I learned today from my dad who never talks to me but decided to share his military story with my mom and I over a chicken dinner. Corey living with us has been a good influence on my dad's behavior. He's still an ass but less of one and my dad actually landed a job interview! Doubt he'll actually go to it but hey it's a step up for the old grouch.

Heres a synopsis of the drama in my family:

Granma and Grandpa: Both major whores I mean I could make a book on itself on their imagined love lives.

Dad: Dropped out of high school to enter the military. Joins with best friend Gary. Gary decides on the first day of boot camp he wants to go AWALL. My dad talks him into sticking it out and Gary makes up a nosebleed illness and gets held back for medical testing. My dad meets two other guys about haldway in and they all decide to go AWALL. They do and the one guy turns himself in during their walk to Chicago from the Great Lakes military base. My dad and the other guy got to the bus station and there were military police everywhere. The other guy got caught but my dad got away. He found an abadoned car and hid there for a few days and then sold his antique watch for money and caught a bus halfway home. He got rides from truckers and upon arriving home his mom turns him in. He got put in the hospital and deemed Schitzo-affective so he got a medical discharge. My mom and her best friend were his nurses and he liked my mom's friend. When he got out of the hospital he hung out with my mom and her friend alot until my mom's friend got killed in a car accident and then he ended up with my mom.

My aunts. My Aunt Linda ended up marrying happily only to lose her husband to in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. My Aunt patty has been married at the least I can remember like 8 times. She is a con artist and once tried to kill her husband.

This makes for some juicy stories here. My dad's side of the family never gave me much love, never any money, but they sure as hell gave me some stories. I might as well use them as a basis for a bigger story. Anybody got any ideas?

Been extremely busy lately and learning what "real" responsibility is for the first time in my life and the serious consequences that can come from not taking care of your health and yourself. It's an important factor. If you don't take care of yourself everything is proven to fall apart. Job, family, finances. Even your car gets this funky odor to it. Thanks to some wonderful people however and the unborn Austin who I owe my life too I am realizing the things I need to do.

Work and school are kicking my butt but I'm learning a lot and hopefully growing up more and more. Still don't know what exactly is going on with mom and the breast cancer but I am going to stay optimistic and I know things will work out in the end as long as I don't give up. I send out much love to all you guys especially Kayla, Mindy, Kev, Jess and Corey who have upheld me through the worst and need some lovin back.

I'm gonna buy a new car any ideas what models are good? Well newer car anyways.

I am not sure what I feel anymore concerning life and how it is supposed to go. I have been hiding partly because I work a lot not, I've been sick with this psycho version of the flu but mostly to think and reflect so as to prevent breakdown. I feel older and wiser. You would think this would be a good feeling. In ways yes but in others no. I have had to let a few people go from my life. It hurts but I know it is for the best. One of them is my friend Kim. I love her and always will but she does nothing but cause drama and I can't have that anymore or be treated the way she treats me. I really don't need to let go of any one else but more the fact I need to let go of certain ideas. Here are the thoughts and bad habits I am trying to rid myself of.

1. Thinking everything is my fault
2. Negative self image inward and outward
3. Bad work habits
4. Hypocricy
5. Trying to make everyone happy
6. Stressing over stupid stuff.

I have come to the conclusion that this last one will indeed kill me off at an early age if I don't come to grips with it now. I have some awesome things going for me and I need to forget about the past and embrace the new and wonderful things God has blessed me with.

Theres Corey. A guy who I know actually loves me and not just loves me but shares everything with me. He doesn't hide things and lie like a lot of my ex's. I just got out of a really weird relationship with a guy named Chris that doesn't even have the common courtesy or respect to give me back some of my belongings. It's sad really and it's his problem. I just don't understand why the lies. Why does anyone lie really? Why have I lied to so many people myself. Some big lies some petty small ones but still lies all the same.

Theres people I am getting back into contact with. Mandy which is awesome and I am going to call Josh this week. My cousins and family I haven't seen in ages. My cousin Ashley is going to have a baby.

There are celebrations to be had. Courtney, Mandy, and Ashley having their babies and my new job at Sunshine's. I really like working there even though it kicks my butt everyday.

Then theres the whole God thing. It's there and emerging. Into what I have no idea but it will be what it comes out as. I have a lot of things on my mind and I just don't know what to do with all the thoughts and feelings. I just cross my fingers and pray that everything turns out ok for me and my loved ones. Its all any of us can do on a day to day basis.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and Merry Christmas!

So a week till Christmas and am sick. My test went well. I am an EMT. Well almost. Got registry next month. Trying to get into the spirit. Blah whatever. I will be in touch soon as my body is not like a slurpee machine.

A little peace on Earth is all that would make this Holiday ok. But sometimes that seems like it will never happen. Amidst all the fighting and bickering I want to hop a plane to the next destination of my choice and never look back sometimes. But I would miss everyone horribly even if they wouldn't miss me.

My dad is putting up Christmas lights and I'm thinking "Ok why now? Why get all Christmassy now after 25 years of my life being a souche bag. I won't lie though. It's nice.

Corey has introduced me to some pretty cool people. Big John will make you laugh your ass off!

I am feelin bad for all the pretty little lies out group has told that Jess speaks of. In a way I have been hypocritical. I mean we all can be but I was bitching about certain other people and their pretty little lies when I told one myself the other day. I did it because I didn't want Scott to be hurt. Sometimes I feel like there is never enough time in one day. I try to do too much and it blows up in my face like the above mentioned.

I don't lie about big stuff and I have been more honest with people lately than ever but sometimes I backslide and make something up or leave something out so as not to hurt ones feelings. For what it's worth I'm sorry Jess and expecially to Scott. We really did find ourselves at Delaney's before we realized we'd forgetten to go get you. Guess Corey and I are both airhead driver's huh? I'll buy you another pack of cigs.

This week I've been trying my best to get away and not deal with things. Not worry about work and certain "people". I've been quite inebriated on a few occasions and it helps but I don't want to repeat this next week that way. We all finally found a place to karaoke at. It's Mr Beefy's in Pburg and it's actually quite fun. So if anyone wants to come let me know. It's Saturday nights.

Well with all of this Holiday hurt I can at least say I think I've become a lot stronger. Kelly Clarkson's most recent album pretty much sums up a lot about how I feel these days.

I can't sleep partly because my ear hurts like a mother ****** and I can't stop thinking about some things that have been bothering me lately. Nobody who is my friend is being spoken of in this post except my friends Kim and Ken. Everyone else I speak ill of are people who have hurt people I loved and I want to bitch slap them in their faces.

First off I'm tired of being ill. It's always bronchitis or an ear infection. I'm still so tired out from the mono that I had back in freakin May. So now I have to do THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. Cut crap out of my diet. It's not going to be easy going down to one Mountain Dew a day(I can't cut out the MD completely). I have come to drastic measures after I blacked out and fell down the steps today. NS can be almost diminished by cutting certain things out of your diet and I haven't done that so can't hurt to try. But I swear if I kill someone for a chocolate bar don't hold it against me.

I'm tired of hoes. And by hoes I don't mean girls who need and get their jollies off I mean backstabbing hoes. Hoes that will sleep with a guy and lead him on and then shit on him as his "so called friend". This Hoe is nobody on my friend's list but this hoe bashed someone I love very much and I want to grab her by her fake ass curls and smack some sense into her.

I also am kinda feelin bad for another friend right now. We dated in the past and it didn't work out and I haven't been the most attentive friend saying I will call and then not. True I have been busy and sick but still it takes 5 minutes to make a phone call and to this friend I am sorry you know who you are. And I am sorry for what you are going through right now. Hey at least your not a white trash hoe momma!

The theres those fucking doctors. I heard some stories the other night from my friend Jackie that make me wanna run these doctors over with my POS car. Yeah I'm a violent girl. Deal with it.

Then theres the whole Kim/ Ken dillema. I understand my friend "offended" Kim but now is not the time to take out grudges and be non communicative. Jess needs people to be there for her with the holidays coming up. I am not going to insert myself in this one because I have enough to worry about with clinicals and registry and Black Friday coming up but my faith in the world right now is waning. Every day I see more and more disturbing things and I say to myself "Why?" and I don't understand. I just don't flippin get it. Maybe I don't want to get it because if I "got it" I'd be like them.

Been crazy lately but this weekend I will finally have time to breathe and get ahold of some people I miss dearly and message my homey G what whats. I will like this mini vacation and I've damn well deserved it. I had that damn chronic bronchitis for so long and haven't been able to sing in over a month which has affected my voice class. Sigh oh well not much I can do about that. I miss being online oddly enough. Myspace is the only thing I look at cause of time issues on here but I miss taking care of my lil neopets and pillaging with Roxanne on Puzzle Pirates! I won't spill the good news yet but I'll give you all a hint. I may have that second chance at learning how to groom dogs. "Crosses finger". I miss working with the doggies. If I do get this second chance with a "real" teacher I will be even more busier but it will be worth it.

So I'm not feling too good these days. I just got over the bronchitis from hell. Saturday I thought things might be looking up. Went to Amber's wedding and it was great to see two people who love each other get married. I also got to talk to Nicole and Stephanie who I hadn't seen in awhile and Jeff too. I tend to get busy and or depressed and don't see people or talk to them in awhile. It's not that I don't care it's just I tend to shut myself away from the world when I'm down.

These days my feelings are way outta whack. I feel left out and alone and like nobody likes me. I know these things aren't true but it's my depression kicking in. Fall and Spring are the worst for me because of the SAD. My pills aren't working but my "counselor" blames all the depression on my physical problems. Sure the physical problems don't help the mental stuff but if the pills aren't working(and I feel they aren't working) you have to do SOMETHING!

I just wish it would reverse itself. I litreally woke up one day and thought differently. I am serious. The rose colored glasses fell off at the age of 17 and ahve never come back on permenently. I wish I could wake up one day and have them back.

Had a dream Saturday night that helped a lot but was also scary. I know what I need to do now but it doesn't make it any easier.

I feel like a lost sheep wandering through the wilderness. All of this has even extended to my relationships. There are people I miss and who miss me who I haven't called because I worry about "burdening" them with my problems. I isolate myself and now Chris and I are having "issues". I love him so much but I feel like everything is a mess and falling apart right now.

If I am still feeling this bad tomorrow I am gonna hit a morning EMT class(hopefully I can keep my wits long enough to make that) and then admit myself so I can get my meds switched since Wendy wont do shit. I am gonna go to group tomorrow and hopefully gain some insight on what to do.

I feel for once like I am doing everything in my power to stay out of the hospital and it is all be thrown in my face. I just want someone to talk to about this that knows about meds. But Wendy refuses to talk. She just asks questions, looks at me like a bird would and writes on her stupid notecard. How sad is it when your mental health specialist doesn't even know what meds you take?

And now I may not be able to have children someday? I mean common I already feel fat, ugly and poor so lets add baren on to this? I know these are the negative thoughts and I try for the positive ones but they just aren't coming. Everything I do is black as coal.

I appreciate Jess, Kevin and Scott stopping by tonight. They cheered me up and made me laugh. Scott took a vacuum hose to make a bong with and I jokingly gave him my mom's old self help book we found in the basement titled, "I hate my family". Jess got an old ALF book of mine and Kevin got the Power Rangers puzzle book. It's true that good friends can help you through anything.

I am so freaking tired. I just got done switching my English class out. 11 to 11 is too long to be at Owens. Blah. So been working and school has started so the only day I have any free time is Wed. and then I sleep to catch up from the lost sleep I get.

Theres a lot of studying involved in my EMT-B course but it is fun. A bit intimidating but fun.

This past weekend I was supposed to call some people I haven't called in ages and have some fun but I got ecoli poisoning. That was enough to make me feel like I was dying. I don't even remember much of Sat and Sun and then I missed work Mon and went to the doctor because I was still feeling crappy. But I am happy to say I feel 90 percent better now.

Jess is in the hospital and should be out soon. I am worried but I know she will be ok and is doing the right thing. It's been one hell of a year for the girl and everyone deserves to take care of themselves after what she went through.

My dog is psycho but I love him. He is a true border collie in that he protects and protects. I pity the uninvited guest into this home.

Richard is finally gone! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts a little because I thought he was a friend but the things he said and did proved him to be otherwise. He called a lot of people fat and I laugh because as Chris says he looks like he is going to give birth to Rosemary's baby. Why does the pot always call the kettle black?

I cannot wait until my vacation. Chris and I are going to go to Prince Edward Island sometime before Christmas. This vacation is much needed!

Sometimes I wonder if maybe he did suceed at tearing it all apart. Maybe his wicked plan birthed itself into the manifestation of reality and now I am in the middle of it's hell. Revenge is in my nature but not something to act upon. How I wish he never were and never came into our lives. But wishing is fruitless as all the fairytale maidens who wished upon stars came to find out. Too late now. The semas have been ripped open and what will spill forth only time can tell.

I was supposed to have my first day of school Tuesday but out popped my niece Angel Marie Snow! She's a beautiful healthy seven pound baby. It's weird seeing April as a mother now and in a whole different world than me. Her and Antwan are going to do just fine as parents and I'd like to kick all the sceptics at the hospital in the butts.

So today being my first day(except for the EMT class I couldn't miss on Tuesday) it sucks pretty bad. My English class is.......run by a gimlet. What is a gimlet? I don't know but this lady is certainly one. The AC is out here in the comp lab so I will burn until my voice class at 2:00 where I will probably meet me a prissy premadonna. Then it's off to EMT Basic where I can learn more. Tuesdays discussion consisted of many important things such as how dogs are the number one enemy in a home with a dying old person and when you've tried to save a kid's life but he still dies beware of grandma jumping you from behind. It's always important to run and get the hell out of there and don't forget kids! Oxygen tanks make great weapons.

Oh splendid. The ghetto just came into the comp lab.

Last night I took Chris and Dave out for Dave's birthday. We went to the Golden Coral and these nasty gay men were hitting on Chris and licking their ice cream all pervertedly.

Work was actually pretty good for a change. The management was nice and in a good mood. But I'm sad about all the people who have left and are leaving for school. Michael's last night was tonight. He is the last one going to college and next week the new people will start. Mr. P is leaving too. Why do all the cool people leave? Roxanne come back stock is not getting done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm on this weird Snakes on a plane lame joke kick. Tonight I was going around saying: This summer you experienced the terror of Snakes on a Plane but next summer get ready for the ultimate terror of all.........Barbara Streisand and Celine Dion on a plane. Then Chris mentioned Gary Coleman on a plane and I had to hide under the covers.

Chris got me the best pajamas ever! They have fairies on them!

School starts Tuesday. I'm excited about it but am going to be in a crunch to get my books since my car was getting worked on this week. Yesterday I had some worries with my car and I am glad my friends were there to help me out a lot. I have been thinking a lot about my friendships lately. Sometimes I get really depressed about it because I sometimes feel certain people don't care. Like maybe if they knew the real me or the real things I feel they wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. Theres certain people I haven't talked to in forever and I just am too scared to contact them. I think I have really bad social anxiety. Ok I KNOW I do.

The truth is I have been very antisocial lately. Whenever I get on Myspace I just get depressed. I am always comparting myself to other people. I wont go all into it but there are a thousand and a million ways to compare yourself on here to others and it is very unhealthy. I am trying to adopt the "I don't care what you think attitude" but it's harder to do than say.

I started this attitude and way of thinking by telling someone off that has been upsetting me for awhile. They were talking crap behind my back and I called them out on it. If someone has something to say they should say it to my face.

My faith in God is slowly but surely being renewed. The other night a guy pulled up next to my car at a stop light and he had a gun. I don't know if he intended to shoot me or not but they were yelling things at me and I took off going 70-8- MPH down the road. Scared the shit out of me and Chris. but I am ok and that is all that matters. I am freaked out to the point I am always looking over my shoulder now.

I want to get out of the city. I want to have my future children grow up in a safe environment and not have to worry about getting jumped on their way home from school.

I don't know. So many things on my mind and there is only 5 things keeping me from becoming this utter and completely jaded bitch. God, Chris, Jess, Teddy and school. Ok we can add my mom in there too. I have so much anger inside of me. I can feel it festering and boiling deep inside. Sometimes I let it out but it is in the wrong ways. And then other times I do not let it out at all. I need to find some balance here. I'm either speaking my mind to much or at other times not at all. I feel insane sometimes. Some of the things I worry about are so trivial.

The sun will continue to rise no matter how much I worry so I might as well just breathe and forget my troubles and sleep.

I got me a new baby boy named Teddy! He is the third best dog in the world next to my Missy and Mikie R.I.P.

We went to the Toledo Animal Shelter and there was this Collie and Chow mix barking and gorwling a lot and I liked him and he didn't bark at me but my mom didn't really think he was the dog for us. Something told Chris to ask the lady to let him out for a run and he was a completely different dog outside the cage. You honestly couldn't ask for a better dog. He is so well behaved! Pictures will be coming soon.

I think I am going to go insane. I have been trying to figure out this loan crap for an hour now and the printer is taking forever. My dad is driving me crazy with orders and I'm already supposed to be at Chris's not to mention I have to be to work at 8 tomorrow. If gas goes up I will permenantly render myself incompetant to do anything.